


The Game of Life

by TransAlex23



Category: Dil - Fandom, Phan
Genre: Abuse, Anxiety, Dan - Freeform, Death, Depression, Eating Disorder, Explicit Language, Gay, Gay Sex, Homophobic Language, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Phan Smut, Phil - Freeform, Smut, Swearing, Violence, gay slurs, pastel!dan, punk!phil
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-06
Updated: 2017-03-06
Packaged: 2018-09-28 15:24:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 17,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10127963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TransAlex23/pseuds/TransAlex23
Summary: He's coming for me, to exploit me. He's learned my secrets and now he's coming. My lungs are filling with toxic air and can't seem to work, my legs feeling as if they are being stabbed. My vision is blurry and I'm slowing. No, he's going to catch me. He can't, I can't let him. He reaches me and catches me in a deadly grip, where I fall to the ground and everything is black. Where my lungs stop my heart, and the violins and cellos are finished with a fading legato bow.





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Notes at the end of the chapter :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes at the end of the chapter :)

_Blue fading into pink, fading into orange, fading into an infinite resting beauty. Soothing violins accompanied by the low hum of cellos, playing the night away in a soothing diminuendo. The colors mix and fade until the blues and pinks are exchanged for a black abyss, filled with spotlight stars that brighten the night and chase away the fears of oblivion. As the scene calms and sets, my fears can not seem to do the same. As my feet make rushing contact with the cold pavement, I can't shake the fear of death off my shoulder. He's following me, I know he is. He's coming for me, to exploit me. He's learned my secrets and now he's coming. My lungs are filling with toxic air and can't seem to work, my legs feeling as if they are being stabbed. My vision is blurry and I'm slowing. No, he's going to catch me. He can't, I can't let him. He reaches me and catches me in a deadly grip, where I fall to the ground and everything is black. Where my lungs stop my heart, and the violins and cellos and finished with a fading legato bow._

I woke up screaming and shaking. The room was dark and my lungs were screaming for air, while my eyes were faucets that wouldn't shut off. It was a time I was glad my mum was on a business trip, or she would have to see me like this. It would kill her. I sat there a moment, holding my head and praying the images away. It was always the same nightmare, over and over. I finally worked up enough strength to turn on the light, blinding me for a minute. I walked on shaking legs to the bathroom, where I stared at myself. Tearstained cheeks, red eyes, just like every other night. It just wouldn't stop.

Unable to shake the images and fear from my mind, and it only being three in the morning, I sat awake until the blues and pinks were back in the sky, and it was time to face my worst fear- high school. Senior year. This was my last year to try and get everything right before I was thrown into the real world. It was last year to shake off my crippling anxiety and sat everything straight- including myself. My mother blamed me being gay on my anxiety- said it triggered some kind of chemical imbalance in my brain. I knew it wasn't that, but I didn't argue- it would only make it worse.

I got up on legs that were a bit more stable, to get ready. After showering, I had to find what to wear. After two years of finally dressing how I like to, I still always seem to be painstakingly nervous about what people will think of me when they see me dressed in pastel sweaters. Sure my mum hated the idea, but she managed to overlook it because I'm "mentally ill, and whatever will help to get rid of that goddamn mental disease will have to be tolerable." Sighing, I put on my favourite light blue sweater, my skinniest, and most flattering, black skinny jeans, and my all black converse. I hadn't noticed my hands were shaking until I went to get my phone. I could never get through the first day of school without my anxiety crushing any hopes I had of making the year better.

I picked up my phone to see my friend Sandy would be here in five minutes. I skipped breakfast, my stomach churning too much to be able to keep anything down, and grabbed my bag to wait outside.

"Hey, sexy, you got any plans?" I hung my head and stifled a laugh as Sandy shouted out her window at me. "Care to join me for a ride? Or is your hot ass taken?" I heard her laugh loud and couldn't help but do the same.

"Cassandra James if you don't stop I will walk to school," I said, only to realize that probably wasn't the best threat. Sandy's name was also Cassandra, but she hated it, so I called her Sandy.

"Hey, that's fine by me. It only means that I won't have you singing Whitney Houston, and _you_ will be late on the first day of our senior year." She held a crooked smile as, without a word, I picked myself off the curb and got into her car. We drove for a minute, with Whitney Houston's _I Have Nothing_ played, before I spoke.

"You know, you always manage to make the hard times tolerable enough," I muttered, wondering if she even heard.

"Hey, that's what I'm here for. Did you have trouble this morning?" Sandy knew all about my problems, and she knew me better than _anyone._

"A little," I admitted.

"Take your meds?" she's always looking out for me.

"Always do."

"Good," she said with a smile. It was like one a caring nurse would give you, one where she meant it.

"Now, on that note," Sandy was the only person I let joke around with anxiety, because I knew it was only to lighten the mood and that she still cared. Before I knew it, she was screeching the words along to Whitney Houston, almost hitting every note. I laughed and joined in with her, not even close to being in tune, before we both had to stop, due to not being able to breath from our vicious laughing. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! So this is the first chapter of my new story, yay! TBH I wasn't really sure about the title, like I'm awful with titles, so honestly if you ever have a new title idea or something FEEL FREE to tell me, and I'll probably just change it ;) My main goal here is to entertain others, and write in hopes that I can make others happy. So if you enjoy this story, my job will be done and I will be happy :) ANYWAY, I'm sorry to bore you. I really hope you are doing well, I hope you're okay. Just know, it'll all be okay in the end. And to finish of the quote, if it's not okay, it's not the end. If you ever wanna talk, or just need someone to listen, I'm always open. Anywho, thank you and goodbye! ^-^


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes at the end of the chapter :)

"Okay, this is it," she said as she held my hand and walked me down the hall to our lockers. She always gave me, and herself, a speech on eh first day of school, like one a singer would do before a performance. "This is our last year. Yes, it's hell, but you know we'll miss it when we're old."

"I don't think I will," I said, a bit too sadly, earning a pinch on the hand.

"Yes you will. Anyway, this is our last year, and it's going to be the best. That means, dear, we are going to own this school, which means, going to prom."

"No, no no no no no, you know there is no way you can get me to go to prom-"

"Daniel, listen, I know you don't want to, but you've deprived me of every other dance opportunity since eighth grade." She knew that was only half true. Sure, I didn't, or more couldn't, go with her, but she always found a hot date. "And besides, I know you can do it. I'll be right there, and we can leave at any point if it's too much. Just trust me." I still shook my head. Fear always seemed to overrule any hope I had, and any chance of getting out from under the dark cloud that stormed over my head.

"Babe, please," she said, stretching out the 'ee' more that necessary. "Dan, come one, you know you can do it. Even if you can't, it's the trying that counts. I'll be there, and I won't ever leave your side. Just try this with me." The look in her eyes was reassuring, and I couldn't say no the only person in my life that could put up with me.

"Ok, yeah. I'll try." She let out a squeal and flung her arms around my shoulders, repeating 'thank you's."

"Yeah yeah yeah," I said, lightly pushing her off of me. I wasn't that big on physical touch, even with Sandy.

"Okay, now that that's sorted, I can finally start my senior year off on the right note." Her smile was so bright and genuine, it made me drop my mostly fake one. "Hey, babe, you'll be alright, you know that. If you've got any problems, just ring me and I'll get you straight away, okay?" She rested her hand lightly on my shoulder and I nodded, blinking away tears that threatened to fall. "Okay. You're gonna be okay. Deep breaths, and think of Evan Peters, okay?" I couldn't help but laugh, a tear slipping through.

"Okay, thanks," I said.

"No problem. Now get your perfect ass to class, you don't need to be late to your first class on the first day of your senior year." Sandy had a habit of making sentences too elaborate, but I forgave her for it. She was the one person I could sometimes forgive for having bad grammar. Nonetheless, I nodded as she smiled and walked off.

My first thought as she walked away was, _I'm alone. I'm alone, and now there's no one to protect me._ I stood with my back to my locker for a moment, my legs unable to move as my heart beat fast and my mind spun. That was until I felt a tapping on my shoulder, and my heartbeat sped up. I looked to see a tall guy stood in front of me, withdrawing his finger. His hair was similar to mine, but black with blue on the fringe. He had an eyebrow, lip, cartilage, and earlobe piercings. With a leather jacket and an MCR shirt underneath, and black jeans with a small chain hanging off them, he was the textbook definition of a punk.

"Um, hey, you're in front of my locker." His hard appearance didn't seem to match his warm northern voice. I stumbled out of the way while mumbling a 'sorry'

"Hey, it's no issue." He was so nice, it contradicted the hardcore vibe he gave off. I just nodded and walked off to my first period, trying to avoid any other contact.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HeYo! I bet I seem really happy and like a really outgoing person when I type these authors notes, don't I? I'm really just a sad lonely person that sits in the back of the room and doesn't talk to anyone. *fun facts* I'm also sorry that this is a pretty short chapter, but it's just kinda how it ended up v.v
> 
> ANYWAY, how are you? What do you think of this? Any feedback on literally (lit-ral-ly) anything I say or do is much appreciated and accepted. So, I hope you are doing alright. If you aren't, I promise it will be better. I know it will. Life is not meant to be sad and lonely- it's what you make of it. So if you want it to get better, it will; you just have to wait for it to happen. I hope all is good. You're amazing, you're beautiful, I hope you're alright. So long ^-^


	3. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes at the end of the chapter :)

"Hey, home-slice, how's senior year started out for ya?" I was immediately greeted by Sandy as I walked into our shared third period.

"Um, it's been okay," I lied. Though I always told her everything, (and I mean everything, even the time I crapped myself in third grade during a presentation because the kid did a jump scare) I couldn't seem to tell her about the encounter I had this morning. The jocks that usually beat me up found it important to leave their mark on the first day of senior year, so they jumped me during passing time. Left bruises all over my stomach and sides, kindly avoiding my face so I wouldn't have to hide it. (It was part of an agreement- if they avoided my face, I gladly let them beat up the rest of me more. Sure it was stupid, but they saw it as they still got to cause equal, if not more, pain, so they didn't care.) After the encounter, I hate a panic attack in the bathroom. It was lame, filled with heaving breaths that were covered by the sleeve of my sweater and silent tears, but that was my life.

"That's good. Mine's been great. Craig has already planned a senior party for this weekend, and don't worry, I'm not going to make you go." Craig was Sandy's boyfriend. He was okay, I mean, there really wasn't anything to hate about him. He was on the tennis team, he got straight A's, and he treats Sandy like he should- what could be wrong there? I nodded and let her continue whispering to me during the class period.

"Okay, I'll see you at lunch, babe!" Sandy said as we left our third period. I kind of liked the names she called me sometimes. Too hung up on what she called me, I ran straight into someone, spilling our books on the floor and me falling on my butt.

"Woah, hey, are you okay?" I've heard that voice... No, it can't be. I looked up to see the blue fringed character from earlier. _Shit. Nonono_. I hated running into people I didn't know more than once. Before I even answered, I was scrambling to pick up both of our books. He bent down and assisted me, taking his and handing me mine. Once I stood up he looked me in the eyes, and _o god his eyes, his fucking eyes. They're blue and green and yellow and the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I've never looked someone in the eyes this long. Wait, shit, he was talking._

"S-sorry?" I asked. He let out a breathy laugh.

"I asked if you were okay?" I mouthed 'oh' and nodded. He chuckled and looked at me with narrowed eyes and a smirking look before nodding and saying, "maybe I'll see you later." _What did that mean? Is he going to beat me up? Why is that always your first thought? I don't know, what else would he do? Stop thinking at get your sorry ass to class. Right._

I was finally dismissed from fourth period by the bell for the third, and final, lunch period. I met Sandy at the north doors where I always did, so she could get her lunch and we could sit in the courtyard while she gossiped and I pretend to listen.

"Daniel!" At the sound of my name I jumped, turning to see Sandy running toward me to strangle me in a hug.

"Oh, hi," I said back, finding it hard to breath with her arms tight around my neck. I followed her awkwardly and anxiously through the lunch line, continuously telling me I should get something to eat.

"Sandy, I haven't eating a lunch at school for four years," I reminded her.

"I know, but still, it doesn't mean you don't need to eat." I rolled my eyes and continued to follow her through the line. We finally made our way outside to the courtyard, where few couples and groups of friends sat on benches. We occupied a bench and I let Sandy gossip about who knows what.

As we sat there, I saw the punk I had already seen twice today. I tried to look away, but our eyes had met for a fraction of a second, and he was walking over.

"Hey, told you I'd see you again," he said, a small smile in his face. His appearance didn't match his personality. His look was threatening while his personality was warm and fun.

"O-oh, hi," I managed out. This was the third time I've seen him. _Was he following me?_

"You probably think I'm following you or something, don't you?" _Can he read my mind?_ I was honestly starting to panic then, the anxiety really settling in. "Well, you couldn't blame me if I was; you are pretty attractive," he said with a smirking smile. _Who is this guy?_ "So, since I'm talking so much, what's your name?"

"U-uh, um, Dan," I managed out.

"Dan, that's cute, it suits you. I'm Phil," he said with an outstretched hand, which I hesitantly shook.

"Dan, that's Phil. Like bad-boy-punk-Phil who gets into fights and smokes and is always fucking someone," Sandy gossiped into my ear.

"Gee, thanks," I whispered back, suddenly more concerned and curious what he wanted with me.

"So, Dan, I accidentally picked up one of your books when we ran into each other earlier," he said as he handed me the book. I took it, giving him a small smile, before he added, "or not accidentally," and sent me a subtle wink.

"Oh, uh, thanks," I said, stuttering, of course.

"Anyway, it's nice talking to you." _It is? I barely talked, how could you like talking to me?_ "Would you wanna give me your number?" He was so confident, and his eyes were so worth getting lost in, that I couldn't stop myself from nodding. He smiled coolly and handed me his phone to put my number in while I did the same.

"Thanks, I'll see you around," he said as we exchanged phones back. I looked to see he put his name as 'Phil ;)' in my contacts.

"Daniel, you're in for a rough ride with this one, I'm warning you now," Sandy said after a moment.

"I-I know," I muttered, wondering how on earth I had managed to mutter a single word to such an overconfident guy.

"Just don't let him treat you like he does everyone else, okay?" She said. She was always like a sister and a mother to me. A sister when it was time for pedicures and gossiping, and a mother when it came to times like this.

"How does he treat everyone else?"

"I don't know how you've never heard about him, but he's always with someone new- whether it be dating or fucking- and he's always using people and cheating them. Just don't let him get too close, and don't let him use you- you're too good for that." I nodded, wondering how I managed to get the attention of a player like him, and why he wanted it in the first place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heeellooo. This is just a small simple update, sorry it's kind of short. I just hope you are having a good day, you really deserve it. Treat yourself- enjoy some ice cream, or a movie and popcorn. Just sit back and relax; life isn't always about work and achievements- life is about enjoyment. Do what you enjoy, and life will be worth it, I promise. Love you <3 thank you and goodbye! ^-^


	4. Chapter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes at the end of the chapter :)

"High school sucks," I said as soon as I met sandy at her locker.

"Woah, what's got your panties in a twist?" She knew I wasn't usually so assertively-negative, but I couldn't help it. I told her about my failed test (who had a test on the first day back from summer?), the summer homework I forgot, and getting texts from Phil.

"Wow, sounds like a rough time," she said caringly. "You know what you need?"

"To study? I have a test on Wednesday, and not to mention the homework tonight-"

"No, you need starbucks and a pedicure. We're going, right now. You'll have time for work later. You need to chillax, and I know coffee and fashion do it for you," she said as she interlocked our arms. I chuckled and nodded. She knew me too well.

 

* * *

 

 

With pastel purple toenails and an iced coffee at hand, I was relaxed enough to sit down and do my homework. I've never been big on homework, but I cared enough about getting good grades that I tried enough to get them. I started on my calculus homework, starting to get paranoid that I had homework for calculus, physics, and psychology. Halfway through my math and paranoia, I heard my phone from across the room, interrupting the music that was playing on it. I hesitantly got up, annoyed that my music had stopped and I was being taken away from my work.

 _Phil ;) :_ _Hey ;);)_ I rolled my eyes, taking my phone back to my bed. I wasn't sure if I wanted to talk to him at the moment, as it was already nine and I had so much homework. I didn't really want to be up until one a.m. doing work (I'd rather be watching videos). Nonetheless, I answered him.

_Me: Hi._

_Phil;): whats up?_

_Me: You have awful grammar._

_Phil;): wat_

_Me: Oh my god._

_Phil;): waaat_

_Me: Nevermind._

_Phil;): whats got you rpanties in a twist?_ I rolled my eyes at the phrase, and at the fact that Sandy said similar ones all the time.

 _Me: Too much work. I wasn't even going to text you back, but I thought it'd be rude._ I was hesitant before sending the text, but thought _what the heck._

_Phil;): oooooh your one of those smart people_

_Me: OH MY GOD. Do you even think when you text?!?_

_Phil;): I knew that would get a reaction out of you ;)_

_Me: Screw you, I've got work to do._

_Phil;): WAIT, I have a question._

_Me: Wow, you managed to use a comma. What do you want?_

_Phil;): If that's all it takes to get your attention, then I'll have you at fifth base in no time;);)_

_Phil;): anyway I wanted to know if you wanted to hang out like get coffee after school tomorrow._

I had to think a moment- could I risk it? Sandy told me about all the people he's had sex with and cheated on...

_Me: Sure._

_Phil;): great! :) see you tomorrow ;);) xo_

God, this guy was going to be the death of me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Sorry for the annoyingly short chapter :( But hey, how are you? I'd love to talk to anyone, even just to listen or to get to know each other. I don't really have any friends or someone to talk to, and maybe you don't either, so hey, we already have something in common! (me trying to make friends, I don't know if it's working) 
> 
> So how are you liking it? I've got some serious plans for this story, so just you wait. ;)
> 
> Anyway, thanks so much for reading. i'm sorry for this short, kind-of-filler chapter, but I'll get more up in a jiffy ;p I hope you have an AMAziNG day and night and life. Remember to take care of yourself- drink plenty of water, eat, and just watch out for yourself. You are the most important person in your life, and you should be your first priority. Just keep up the great job you're doing, because just simply being alive is the hardest fucking thing in life. I love you, I hope you're good, thanks so much and goodbye! ^-^


	5. Chapter Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes at the end of the chapter :)

I felt my phone buzz in my back pocket as I ventured down the blue and white checkered linoleum halls of the hospital. It couldn't be Sandy- she knew I would be here half the day- and I couldn't think of anyone else. I pulled out my phone to look.

_Phil;): Yo why arent you at school??_

I rolled my eyes, wondering why he cared, before remembering our "coffee date" after school.

_Me: Hospital. I'll be back at lunch, so we're still on for coffee._

_Phil;): WOAH why are you at the hospital?? Are you okay??_

_Me: Just a doctors visit, no big deal. I've got to go, see you later._

I felt kind of guilty lying to him. Sure, it was mostly the truth, and he'd cheated on so many people that he probably wouldn't care. But it wasn't just a "doctor's visit." It was my second annual anxiety checkup. Twice every year, for the past two years, I've had to visit the doctor (who was stationed in a hospital) to answer questions about my anxiety as a way to see if I was improving, or if the medication was working.

I made it to the double doors under the sign that read "Mental Illness Hall." Yup, this is where I belong. I sighed, pushing the doors open and making my way down. I kept my head look, tucking my hands away in the sleeves of my pastel pink jumper- it made me feel the safest. I made it to room 246 where all my meetings have been. I knocked three times, having to wait a little too long before receiving an answer.

"Come in," she spoke. "Oh, hello, Daniel." Her voice was fake, feigning interest of any kind. It was obvious she didn't care about me or any of the other patients she cared for; she just wanted the money.

"Hello," I said meekly.

"How are you?" _As if you care._

"Okay."

"That's good. Now, how are is the medication going?" She continued with routine questions, as well as additional ones based on m answers to the routine ones. Soon she was having to leave the room for a new medication- my fifth one.

"Oh, while I'm gone, I'd like you to fill out this depression test. We just want to make sure you're doing okay," she said before handing me a clipboard with a paper on it and walking out of the room. This was, by far, my least part of these visits. No, of anxiety. _No,_ of _existence._ I hated them. It asked questions like, "have you been experiencing feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness?" and then asks you to rate it; 1-not at all 2-occasionally 3-most days 4-everyday. I've been lying on it since the first day I took it. I knew my mom wouldn't like having a depressed kid, I mean, she didn't even like having one with anxiety. The only reason she took me in for it was because she didn't want a son with a "goddamn mental illness." If she found out I was depressed, it would piss her off more, and she'd probably just say I was faking it.

I finished the test with seven ones and three twos out of ten questions, equalling up to a completely normal teenage boy. With new medications and a fake smile on my face, I kept my head down and left the building, dreading having to go to hell.

"Hey, Dan!" Phil said as I walked out to the courtyard. He was sat next to Sandy, where they seemed to have been having a good discussion.

"Oh, hi," I said, sitting on the ground in front of them. I had always managed to be that friend- even with Sandy. The friend that sat on the floor when there weren't any seats, or the friend that walked behind the group when the sidewalk wasn't wide enough.

"How was it?" She asked. I gave her a look, and she knew what it meant- _did you tell him??_ She shook her head no.

"Um, it was good. I'm all good." Phil nodded before going on about our 'coffee date.' Sandy gave me a sympathetic look, and I just shook my head. Next thing I knew my phone was vibrating.

_Sandy:): So what happened?_

_Me: I got new meds. My fifth new kind._

_Sandy:): I'm sorry, babe._ I looked up to see her looking back at me with that look. I hated that look. I excused myself and spent the rest of the day in the bathroom, reading and reassessing my choices. I did this all the time, my freshmen year especially. It almost got me suspended once because I wasn't in class enough. I sighed, remembering the days I got bullied more than ever, and tried to focus on my book. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyoo, how are you doing? I'm sorry these chapters are a bit smaller, but I promise the next one will be longer :) Anyway, how are you enjoying it? I hope you like it, because I think this is going to being of my favourite works. I hope you are doing well, because you are so much more amazing then you think <3 Just because you think something does not make it true. I swear you are worth everything in the world and more. Work towards your goals, because once you get there you'll be able to say I fucking did it, and it will be the best moment of your life. Work for that moment of pride. Thanks so much, stay strong, and goodbye! ^-^


	6. Chapter Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes at the end of the chapter :)

"Hey, there you are!" Phil exclaimed when I made it to his car; it car was almost as bright a blue as his hair. His back was to the car, leg up behind him, a cigarette between his pointer and middle finger.

"You smoke?" I asked, fixing my bag on my shoulder.

"Yeah, but not too often," he said, throwing the finished cigarette on the ground and stomping it out with his foot. "You okay? You look like you don't want to be here. We don't have to go, you know." Why was he so nice?

"No, I'm good. Just got a lot of stuff on mind."

"Oh, okay. Well, hop in, let's go!" He was also confident as heck. I got in the passenger seat and watched him struggle to start the car.

"Sorry, it does this every time, fucking piece of-"

"Hey," I interrupted. "Don't swear." I hated swearing; I heard it so often from my mother, and father when he was around, that I hated hearing it. I was used to Sandy swearing occasionally now, but I didn't want Phil to start.

"Oooh, you're a goody-two-shoes," he snickered.

"Don't call me that," I retorted.

"Oooh, he's feisty too," he laughed. I sunk in the seat and he drove off.

"So," he started after a moment. "Tell me about yourself?" He phrased it like a question, as if I had the choice to tell him or not; and maybe I did.

"Um, what do you want to know?" This was one of my least favourite questions, as I could never come up with an answer.

"Honestly, why you were at the hospital-"

"I told you, I had a doctor's appointment," I lied.

"But what for? Anyway, I know you probably don't want to answer that, which I get, so, um, favourite subject?" I thought for a minute. I tried to think of a favourite subject but I could only think of one other thing- should I tell him? I had never told anyone other than Sandy about my anxiety, so, should I tell him? Without even thinking, because I knew if I thought too much I'd never do it, I blurted it out.

"I was there for my anxiety." It was silent for a minute. I really wanted him to say something- but did I? I wasn't sure.

"Oh," he said. Oh? Oh? What does that mean?

"I mean, I-"

"No, it's okay. Sorry, that was a shit reaction-"

"Swearing."

"Hey. Anyway, it's okay. Thanks for telling me." He sent me a more reassuring smile.

"Your personality doesn't fit your clothing choice." He laughed.

"Heh, yeah, a lot of people who actually get to know me say that. The rest of them just think I'm either a sexy bad ass or an asshole." I couldn't help but chuckle. "What, do you think I'm an asshole?" He said, causing me to laugh more.

"N-no, I-"

"Okay, so you think I'm a sexy bad ass?" I was laughing the way where you're grinning as wide as possible and in that moment, life's at a peak.

"You're cure when you laugh like that, you know," he informed me when I calmed to small chuckling. I couldn't control the blush in my cheeks, and he seemed to notice. I shook my head and he only sighed and said, "one day you'll believe me- one day."

 

* * *

 

 

"Okay, here we are," he said as we pulled up to a typical hipster-like coffee shop. It was quaint, and certainly not busy. He hurried out of the car so he could get to my side and open the door, even though I had it opened half way already.

"My lady," he said, bowing.

"What, am I that feminine?" I said with a chuckled. I couldn't remember the last time I laughed this much in one day.

"I wouldn't say that," he said as we approached the shop.

"Then what would you say?" I asked as we entered.

"I'll get back to you on that. Now, what would you like, my prince." I blushed profusely.

"Um," I was the worst at decision making, usually spending forever looking at menus. "Surprise me," I said, too unsure of what to get. He nodded and told me to get us a seat while he ordered. I watched him from afar, his back towards me. I could see how his muscles and shoulder blades stretched through his tighter band shirt- this one being Panic! at the Disco. He soon came back with a smile, telling me to close my eyes, before setting down our drinks and sitting down across from me.

"If you don't like it, I can take it back and get something else." I nodded, saying a small 'thank you' before trying my drink. As I took a sip, I knew exactly what it was- hot chocolate, the perfect temperature. I opened my eyes to see it had whipped cream and chocolate shavings on it. It was perfect.

"Is it good?" He asked, smirking as he took a drink of his generic coffee.

"It's amazing. How did you know this was my favourite?"

"Sandy told me, while you were gone. She said it was a surefire way to win you over. Of course I don't really need that- I've got grammar." I laughed, almost spilling hot chocolate, causing him to grin and laugh himself.

"So, would you want to tell me about this doctors visit?" The way he said it made it to where he didn't have to say 'only if you're comfortable' or 'if you want to'- his voice said it all. I nodded.

"Um, yeah, so, I have to for two check-ups a year just for my anxiety. And it's always just to see how I'm doing with it, if it's improving, and how my medication is going. I'm on my fifth new medication, so that's fun..." I wasn't sure what to say. _I also likely have depression, but I lie on all my tests, so they wouldn't know._

"So what's it like? Like what are the symptoms and what does it feel like?" _Wow._ No one had ever asked me that.

"Um, well the symptoms are just like paranoia, but all the time. Constantly afraid something's going to happen, or that someone is going to see you and know everything about you, and what you are. It's never being able to concentrate on a task because you're too caught up worrying about _everything._ It's being tired all the time because nights are filled with panic. It's avoiding life because you can't handle looking at someone without just thinking _they know._ It's hell." That was the first time I'd ever explained it. I felt drained. And then I thought, _oh god. Now he knows. He knows, oh nononono. God, now he'll think I'm overreacting. That it's not as bad as it seems. I probably was- it's not that bad, is it? Before I knew it, his hand was over mine on my cup and he was talking._

"Hey, you okay? You seemed a bit gone for a minute." I simply nodded. "Hey, I'm sorry about that, by the way. I know you don't want sympathy or anything, but, still, that's gotta be absolute hell." I just nodded, letting him change the subject.

 

* * *

 

 

"This was really fun," Phil said as we left the shop. It was six o'clock, and neither of us really wanted it to end.

"Yeah, me too."

"We _have_ to do this again. Like this can't be a one time thing." I laughed a bit and nodded. I couldn't see what Sandy was talking about; he seemed great. He drove me home, saying goodbye to me at my door.

"I'll see you tomorrow, prince," he said with a smirking smile before turning and disappearing from sight. It was the most fun I'd had in a long time.

 

"So, tell me all about it," Sandy insisted when I called her later that night.

"It was, good, actually. He was so nice an-"

"Babe I told you, you can't let him pull you in like that. He's a fuckboy-"

"No-"

"And he won't hesitate to break your heart." My mood began to drop. She was right; he'd been with so many people-cheated on so many people- that I would be nothing to him. I was nothing to him, why did I think he wanted me?

"You okay, babe? You know I'm just trying to look out for you, right? I just don't want you getting hurt."

"Yeah, yeah I know," I said. "Listen I'm gonna go. I'll see you tomorrow," I said.

"Okay, bye." God, why did I think he liked me. I was so stupid. One, the people you like never like you back; and two, he was a punk that could get any girl or guy he wanted. I was so stupid

"Daniel! Get your faggot ass down here! I've told you a thousand fucking times to do these damn dishes, and your father will be home soon..." _I'm living the life._


	7. Chapter Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes at the end of the chapter :)

It started raining on my way to school, and of course I hadn't brought an umbrella, so I was nearly soaked by the time I made it to school. Sandy had choir stuff in the morning, so she couldn't drive me. I was walking up the pavement to the front doors of the school when I heard my name.

"Dan, hey!" Phil said as he jogged to reach me. "Wow, you're soaked. Let's get inside." I kept my head down as I followed him in. Why was he talking to me? Surely he'd be done with me by now.

"So, how's it going?" Phil asked once we were inside, walking the halls.

"Um, it's good, I guess," I mumble, still keeping my head down.

"You okay? You seem down," He said. He sounded so caring.

"Um, yeah, just, thinking a lot."

"Okay. Well, I hope you're okay. I can't go too long without seeing your smile." I could hear the smile in his voice, and I could almost smile myself- almost. We finally made it to my locker, and I turned around to tell him goodbye.

"Well, this is my locker, so..." I stopped when I noticed him staring at me weirdly. I followed his gaze to my shoulder, where the low neck of my sweater had fallen and revealed the dark bruise on my shoulder.

"Dan, what's that?" His voice was firm, but worried too. I didn't want to tell him, nor did I need to. I shook my head and he sighed, mumbling a 'goodbye' before turning away. I felt a single tear roll down my cheek before I whipped it away, sniffled, and started my day.

 

* * *

 

 

"Hey, Danny," Sandy said at lunch.

"Hey," I said with my best fake smile. I nodded at Phil as a greeting, seeing the look he gave me. He knew I was faking it, but he didn't say anything.

"You know what," Sandy said. "I think we should have a party."

"Excuse me?" I said.

"Calm down. I just mean us three- you, me, and Phil." I gave her a look that said _what do you mean, I thought you hated him?_ But she just shrugged and smiled. Phil agreed, saying this weekend was perfect. I sighed, agreeing hesitantly. Sandy smiled, hugging me tightly. Boy am I in for it.

 

* * *

 

 

"Okay, I need you to bring pillows and blankets, lots of them," Sandy said through the phone.

"Why, are we having a kid sleepover?" I mocked through the phone, grabbing all the pillows and blankets I could.

"Because I told you to. Phil's bringing pizza, you're bringing bedding, and I'm bring the party," she said.

"About Phil," I started as I stuffed more blankets into a bag. "Why did you invite him? I thought you hated him."

"I don't hate him. Listen, he's a cool person, I just don't think you should get too close to him in any romantic or sexual way; he's cheated on afr too many people, or just fucked them and left them." I sighed, saying 'okay' before hanging up to finish packing. I put on some on my more comfortable skinny jeans, knowing I would probably fall asleep in them, and a loose and comfortable light blue jumper with converse. Grabbing my phone and bag, I headed over to Sandy's, knowing I would be late.

"Where have you been?" Sandy said as I opened the door.

"I'm literally only seven minutes late," I said, checking my phone. She had wanted me over at seven, but now it was seven-oh-seven.

"Well Phil was here on time," she said as she lead me into the house. Phil was sat on the sofa, looking up from his phone to smile at me. I gave him a small smile back before throwing the bag of bedding at Sandy.

"Here, I brought loads of bedding stuff." She knew I had loads of pillows and blankets, so I suspected that was why she told me to bring them.

"Yes! Okay, you guys start digging into the pizza, I'm going to go take care of this real quick," she said before running upstairs. I stood there awkwardly for a moment before removing my shoes and sitting near Phil on the couch.

"Hey," he said once I sat down.

"Hey," said, fiddling with the sleeves of my jumper, of course.

"You look good. Is that normal party attire for you?" He said. Yet again, I didn't need to look at him to know he was smirking.

"Um, I guess. I've never been to a party," I said lamely.

"Well, we'll just have to have more parties so that I can see you looking that good more often," he said. All the blood went to my cheeks and I looked down to hide it. He chuckled a bit before we were consumed with silence.

"Hey, Dan," Phil said after a moment. He seemed like he was trying to speak carefully, which I didn't like the sound of.

"Y-yeah?"

"Can you tell me where you got that bruise from?" He said it softly, and my face fell. I'd had it for three days, and I was hoping it would have faded by now, but of course it hadn't.

"I-I- no, I can't." I said. He sighed, getting up from the couch. I was afraid he was going to leave, but he only grabbed a drink from the counter. He sat back down and we sat in silence before Sandy returned.

"Hey, Dan, you had your meds in your bag," she said, setting them on the table.

"Oh yeah, thanks," I said. I had to take them twice a day- once in the morning, once at night.

"Hey, I told you guys to dig into the pizza," she said as she sat in between me and Phil. I looked at her and I could tell she could see the slight sadness in my eyes.

"Come on, this isn't a pity party," she said, turning music on the stereo. Of course it was Lana del Ray, my favourite. I glared at her and she simply smiled, handing each of us a plate of pizza. We talked about school and college while we ate. It ended up being only Phil and Sandy that really ate, polishing off the pizza while I had three bites of one slice.

"Okay, are you guys ready for your surprise?" Sandy announced.

"Um, surprise?" I asked.

"Yes, why did you think I asked you for all the bedding?"

"Because there are three of us and we need to sleep?" _Says the guy that barely sleeps._

"No. Come one, I'll show you," she said as she took mine and Phil's hands. We gave each other a similar look, laughing a bit as she pulled us up the stairs.

"Okay, ready?" We nodded and she opened the door to her bedroom. Inside was the most amazing and childish thing I'd ever seen- a fort that almost reached the ceiling. There were dining chairs used to hold ip the blankets, some of them hanging on the ceiling fan, while pillows were used liked walls, covering up holes.

"Oh my gosh," I said, amazed at how she managed it.

"This is amazing," Phil said. It was then I saw the most childish side of him- while he was awing over a pillow fort.

"I know," she said, obviously proud of herself. "Come on, let's get inside of it!"

"This is the most childish thing we could do," I commented.

"Don't be a party-pooper! Come on, get your ass inside!" Phil said as he started walking towards the fort. I was going to comment on his language, but saw no point, shaking my head and getting inside.

 

* * *

 

 

"Ugh, Phil you have such good hair; I hate my curly hair," Sandy commented. It was almost two in the morning, and we were all buzzed off soda and monster- well, Phil and Sandy were. I chugged a water on their requested and was rehydrated.

"How?! Your curls are amazing. I _hate_ my curly hair," I said. Sandy had the most perfect curls any girl could wish for. They were so naturally perfect that I was sure she wasn't human.

"Your curls are cute, Danny," Sandy said, ruffling my straightened hair.

"Your hair is curly?" Phil asked, making want to die, especially when he added, "Danny?"

"Shut up," I muttered, hiding my face in the pillow I had in my lap.

"He does," Sandy said. "He's so cute with his curly hair, but he hates it so he always straightens it." Phil laughed a bit and I felt my blushing cheeks burn through the pillow.

"Aww, it's okay, Danny. I bet your curls are _adorable._ " I felt like crawling in a hole, crying, and never coming out. I wanted to die in that moment, but I shook it off and tried to laugh it off. Sandy always knew I had a low tolerance for teasing, even if it was harmless and playful like now. That's probably why she followed me when I excused myself to the bathroom.

"Hey, what's wrong, babe? We were just having fun, you know that. We weren't meaning to make fun of you."

"I-I know, I know. I ju-just, I just need a minute," I said, moving into the bathroom to wipe away the shame and tears. Two minutes later, I heard a knock on the door.

"Sandy, i told you I'm fine, I'll be back in a minute, go away."

"Um, it's Phil, actually." _Shit._ I cursed myself in my head for cursing. I quickly wiped up the tears, splashed some water on my face, dried it off and opened the door. Phil was stood there, hands at his side, a confused and slightly concerned look on his face.

"Hey, I just wanted to see if you were okay." His eyes were wide and inviting- an ocean worth exploring. I nodded.

"Well, that's good," he said. We were silent, unmoving. Until I felt his hand on my cheek. Everything seemed blurry as he moved forward until his lips were on mine. It was loving and passionate, and everything I've ever wanted. I didn't know what to do for a moment, taken by surprise, but I put my arms around his neck, pulling him a bit closer. We finally broke apart, him pressing his forehead on mine.

"You're amazing," he said.

"Y-you are too."

"We should get back before Sandy comes looking for us." I nodded and we walked back to her room, where we played board games and would you rather, my mind reeling from what happened. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heeelloo! How are you doing? Things are getting saucy with Dan and Phil (forget "Going Deep with Dan and Phil," let's making it "Getting saucy with Dan and Phil." No? Okay I'll stop.) yaay. I'm so eager to finish this story, like I've got it completely planned out, you're not even ready. I'm also open to any comments or criticism, as it would be much appreciated <3 i love you so much, I don't even need to know you to know you are amazing. (especially if you're reading something I've written, then like, wow, you must be incredible to be able to put up with me.) I hope you're doing well, I hope you're happy or at least find happiness. Thanks so much, and until the next chapter, goodbye! ^-^


	8. Chapter Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See the end of the chapter for notes :)

_Phil;): Hey_

_Me: Wow, you used a capital letter._

_Phil;): Yes but only for you_

_Phil;): anyway we should hang out_

_Me;): Okay. When?_

_Phil;): right now_

_Phil;): ill be over in five minutes if you wanna_

_Me: Um, sure?_

_Phil;): great see you soon xoxo_

_What just happened?_ I got up from my spot on the couch to brush my teeth and put on some socks and shoes. Not even two minutes after I got off the couch, there was a knock on the door. _You said five minutes,_ I thought. Not thinking about the toothbrush in my mouth, I answered the door.

"Hey, did I catch you at a bad time?" Phil laughed. I was about to answer when I suddenly became conscious of the task I abandoned. I waved him in, shutting the door. He followed me to the bathroom, leaning against the doorframe as I rinsed my mouth.

"You said five minutes," I said once I was done.

"Yeah, but I was already here and just couldn't wait that long. _He was already here?_

"Oh?"

"Yeah. Anyway, I was thinking we could go somewhere, kind of have a day to ourselves," he said with a smirk. _What is he planning..._

"Yeah, alright."

"Sweet," he said. He stood there a moment more before kissing me on the cheek, letting his lips linger, then moving to the front door to wait for me.

"So where are we going?" I said as Phil opened the passenger door for me."

"You just have to wait and see," he said with a sly grin, shutting the door.

 

* * *

 

 

"Is this the coffee shop we went to last time?" I asked as we pulled up to the quaint structure.

"Yes it is," he replied, getting out of the car.

"How are we going to make a day out of a coffee shop?" I asked once he opened my door. I'd learned that it was a gentleman thing to do (for him to open my door), so I learned to stay put and let him do it.

"Who said we were only going to the coffee shop?" I sighed, making him laugh a bit. As we walked up the building, he slowly intertwined his fingers with mine. I let them stay there only a second before carefully pulling my hand from his.

"I'm sorry..." I said.

"No, no it's fine. I don't want to make you uncomfortable." He smiled sweetly before opening the door for me. "Do you want what you got last time?"

"Um, sure," I said. "Do you want me to get us a seat?"

"Nope. We're taking this one to go." I looked at him curiously as he ordered, thanking him once he handed me my drink.

"Where to now?" I asked, starting to get antsy as to where he was taking me.

"Do you really think I'm going to tell you? That's not what a surprise is, Danny." I glared at him for the stupid nickname, making him burst out with laughter.

"Here's our next destination," Phil said, parking the car. We were in front of an open field, in the middle being a small play ground.

"A playground?" I questioned when we were out of the car.

"Yes, a playground." There were only a couple kids on it, their parents on benches, trying to call them off the go home. Phil led me over to it, where we sat on the steps. It was now empty, the kids gone and a resting, peaceful silence standing between us.

"Dan," Phil started. I already didn't like what he had to say. His voice was in a tone people sued when they needed to talk about something important- something serious. "I- I have a question to ask, and it's really been killing me, so I need you to answer, okay?" His personality really didn't fit his appearance. His leather jacket and MCR shirt, with black jeans and shoes to match. Tattoos and piercings, this guy seemed like anything but fun and caring. But as soon as he spoke, his soft northers voice made you forget about his appearance completely.

"Yes?" I asked, panicking inside.

"Where did that bruise come from, Dan? The one that was on your shoulder." _Not this, anything but this. I can't tell him this, I'll be dead. If I tell him this, he'll want to know more, and I can't tell him more; I can't tell him anything._

"Dan?"

"I-I can't," I muttered. I was glad we were alone, because I could feel the tears coming. Painful, angry tears. I was afraid I'd break down or lash out at him.

"Dan, please, I' worried. I just want to know you're okay."

"I am okay," I said, knowing my tone wasn't convincing.

"Dan, please, just tell me where it came from."

"I-I got beat up," I said. I wasn't lying.

"By who? What happened?"

"It was nothin-"

"Daniel James Howell," Phil said, his voice a mix of anger and concern.

"How do you know my full name?"

"Sandy, but that's not important. What happened?" _Deep breaths, deep breaths- make it seem like nothing; act casual._

"M-my dad, he-"

"Your dad?!" Phil said, obviously shocked. I nodded, keeping my head down.

"It was just the once..." now I was lying.

"Dan-"

"Don't say anything, it's fine."

"Okay..." We sat there for a moment in silence, listening to the birds and the small breeze.

"I'm sorry I ruined our day..." I said, feeling bad for making him sad.

"What? You didn't ruin our day, Dan. Come on, I want to show you something." He was smiling, and I tried to give him a small smile. He simply shook his head, taking my hand in his. He looked at me for a minute, seeming to be seeing if it was alright. I kept my hand there and he smiled, leading me to the woods at the edge fo the field.

"Phil, where are we going?" I asked when we had been in the woods for a couple minutes. I really didn't like the woods- it was a stupid fear, and I could tell it was evident in my voice.

"Are you scared?" The way he said it wasn't mocking or a way to make fun of me; it was caring and it almost sounded like he felt bad. "It's okay, we're almost there, and I won't let anything happen to you." I smiled a bit, letting him continue leading me.

"Okay, here we are." We were stood in front of some kind of small fort, the walls and ceiling made out of flimsy pieces of plywood. It was put together poorly, having large sticks to hold up the corners that were falling apart.

"What's this?"

"This, my prince, is your castle." I looked at him to see if he was joking.

"Did you actually make this?" I asked.

"Yes. I know it's shi- crap, but I tried. Come inside." He led me through a rectangle hole in one of the walls to the inside of the fort. The inside didn't seem too bad compared to the outside. There were some old blankets on the floor, some roses in one corner, along with a deck of cards. On the walls were pieces of art- animals, flowers, and landscapes.

"Did you make these?" I asked, mesmerized by the amazing detail.

"Yeah," he said, moving closer to me.

"They're amazing." It was then, as my eyes were scanning over drawings of roses and expanding meadows, that I saw a particular drawing.

I-is that me?" The drawing was the only one with colour. [The boy had brown hair, sitting on it a lavender flower crown. He wore a white button up with crosses at the corners of the collar, a lavender jumper over it. In the background were four lavender r](https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=images&cd=&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwjv2vXCicHSAhWJ24MKHSK6C_MQjRwIBw&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.pinterest.com%2Fpin%2F368450813244343637%2F&psig=AFQjCNGzXYtiBn3lRu2gARw0qXfnN_RYBw&ust=1488862059069011)oses. It was incredible.   **(A/N, Credit to the beautiful soul who made this (the picture linked in the text), it's incredibly beautiful)**

"Yeah," he said sheepishly.

"It's beautiful..."

"It was hard to capture your real beauty, but I tried," he said with a smirk. "Come on, I brought some cards in here so we would play snap." I laughed at the game, having always been played at recess in elementary and middle school. I nodded, watching him shuffle the cards before we began. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! How are you doing? I am thankful for you and your entire existence, because you are a beautiful being, inside and out, and I hope you find yourself life, even if not all the time. You have to downs to have ups, and they just make the ups even more worth it. I hope you have a wonderful day/night/life, thanks so much, and goodbye! ^-^


	9. Chapter Nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes at the end of the chapter :)

"Hey, Phil?" I said timidly. We were laying back on the blankets now. It started getting dark, so Phil graciously took off the roof so we could lay back on the blanket and look up at the stars.

"Yeah?"

"W-what are we? Are we friends, are we..." I felt embarrassed having to ask the question. Why was I even asking? I was stupid for thinking we were anything more than friends.

"What do you want us to be?" He asked, turning on his side and propping himself up on his arm.

"I-I don't know." I looked over at him and watched as he slowly started to move in closer. I closed my eyes, feeling his lips ghost over mine for a moment before they connected passionately. His hands moved to my waist, where he pulled me on top of him. I let out a small yelp, causing him to yelp before he kissed me more. His hands stayed on my waist while mine moved to cup his cheeks. I'd never kissed anyone like this, nor had I ever imagined to. It was so new, but amazing.

"Dan," Phil said once we'd broken apart, my head on his chest.

"Hm?"

"Will you be my boyfriend?" I looked up at him, smiling down at me. I got up, moving close so my nose was touching his.

"Yes," I whispered, reconnecting our lips. His hands fisted up my t-shirt at my sides, and he broke away for a moment.

"Dan, do you want to go further?" Further? I'd never even kissed anyone until Phil, much less _done_ anything with someone. God, I'd never even masturbated. I shook my head slowly, hesitantly.

"It's okay, love, I won't push you." God, he was amazing. He kissed me once more, longingly, lovingly. I moved off of him so that I was on my side, arm across his body and head on his chest.

"Goodnight, my prince," Phil said.

"Goodnight, Phil."

 

* * *

 

 

I woke up to the song _Fuck You_ by Lily Allen playing from my phone, telling me it was my dad calling. _Shoot, shoot shoot shoot._ I shot up from the ground, waking Phil in the process, to get my phone.

"Hello?" I said with a worried tone. Phil gave me a curious look and mouthed 'who is it?' I didn't answer before my dad's voice boomed from the speaker.

"Daniel _fucking_ Howell, where the hell are you?" _Why do you suddenly care?_

"I, uh, I-I'm with a friend," I said, looking at Phil.

"When the fuck did you get permission to go out? I've been telling you all goddamn week to clean this fucking house, so you don't do shit and then do out with some fucking friend that probably doesn't give a damn about you? You're a fucking pathetic excuse for a son. I want you ass home _now,_ and you're going to clean this goddamn house. Don't think you won't be punished." With that, he hung up. I sat there, holding the silent phone to me ear, a small tear running down my cheek. I quickly wiped it away, but not quick enough to keep Phil from noticing.

"Babe, what's wrong?" Phil asked as he sat up, placing a hand on my back.

"I-I, I need to go, Phil. I need to go right now." I quickly scrambled to put on my shoes while Phil put his shirt and shoes back on. I climbed out of the fort and started walking back to the car, Phil calling my name behind me.

"Dan, Dan please, wait, what's the matter?"

"I'm _dead,_ Phil, that's what's the matter!" I shouted, turning to face him. I had tears beginning to fall down my cheeks now, my eyes red and fuzzy.

"Dan, love, I need you to tell me what's wrong."

"Ph-Phil, i, I just need to get home, now." I said calmer, wiping away the tears. Phil just nodded, knowingly unsatisfied, before taking my hand and leading me to his car.

"Dan, are you okay?" Phil asked once we were in the car. I just nodded, looking ahead at the road, numb. "I'm just worried, Dan. Will you text me later when you're home, let me know you're okay?" I could hear real concern in his voice, causing another tear to snake it's way down my cheek.

"Y-yeah, I will." _If I'm alive._

"Oh, there's the faggot," I heard my mom say when I entered the house. "Where the fuck have you been? Out with some faggot friend?" She was in front of me now, and I could smell the alcohol on her breath like always. I stayed silent. "Answer me you piece of shit!" She shouted, slapping me hard.

"Yes!" I said out of fear. She laughed- she always did when she hit me.

"James, your faggot son is home," she shouted to my dad.

"He's not mine; I didn't raise no anxiety freak faggot son," he shouted back.

"It's the anxiety that made him a fag." My dad walked up in front of me now, towering over me. I was only 5'9 while he was 6'4. He reached forward and held me to the wall by the my shoulder, which was held in a bruising grip.

"Clean this goddamn house, boy, and stop sitting on your ass like a pathetic faggot," he said, slapping me hard with his other hand. I nodded frantically, causing him to grunt and walk away, my mother laughing behind him. _God, I wish it was over._

_Phil <3: babe are you okay??_

_Phil <3: you havent texted me yet..._

_Phil <3: Dan??_

_Phil <3: Dan answer me please_

_Phil <3: Dan im wrried please answer_

_Phil <3: Daniel James Howell if you dont answer me soon im coming over_

_Phil <3: babe im so worried please_

_Me: I'm okay, Phil._

_Phil <3 like hell you are. Dan you had me so worried what happened?_

_Me: I just had some chores to do and didn't have my phone. I'm okay._

_Phil <3: Dan, please you can tell me if something is wrong okay?_

_Me: I know, Phil, I will._

_Phil <3: i just want to know that your okay._

_Me: God, Phil, come on!_

_Phil <3: ha i knew that would get you! Xoxo_

_Me: I hate you..._

_Phil <3: no you dont <3<3_

_Me: whatever. I'm gonna go to bed. Goodnight, Philly! <3_

_Phil <3: NEVER use that name again!_

_Me: Now you know how it feels! HA!_

_Me: Okay, goodnight, Phil <3_

_Phil <3: goodnight my prince <3<3_

 

* * *

 

 

"Hey, Danny," Phil said when I answered the phone.

"Phil, I swear to god," I said, only causing him to laugh.

"Well, you're sounding better." I had told Phil I was far too ill to come to school, or see him at all, for the past four days. He was persistent to check up on me, and constantly asked to come over, but I couldn't let him. Not in fear of getting him sick- I wasn't sick at all. My dad had gotten too violent and gave me a black eye and a bruise on my neck from holding me to the wall, cutting off my air. I couldn't let Phil see me like that.

"Oh, yeah. I'll probably be back tomorrow.." My black eye wasn't too bad, so there wasn't really anything left of it. The bruise on my neck didn't seem to want to heal, and would probably take makeup to cover, but I'd deal with it; it was nothing new for me.

"Good. I've missed you far too much," he said, kissing me through the phone. I smiled at the gesture. We'd been dating for almost a month now, and I still couldn't get over how cute and romantic he was. Sandy flipped when she found out, saying he was just going to dump me, just because he'd done it to so many other people. She begged me to break up with him, and said he wasn't good for me. I refused, saying he was sweet and amazing. She told me to shut up and try to listen for once instead of thinking life will turn out how I want it. Long story short, we're taking a break.

"I've missed you too." We continued to talk, Phil filling me in on work missed. I sighed, knowing I would be buried in homework for a week.

"Hey, it's alright love, I'll help you catch up." A part of him seemed serious, but the other part was smirking and told me we definitely wouldn't get any work done. Nonetheless, I agreed.

"Great. You can come over tomorrow and spend the night since it's Friday, and I'll help you out with the work." I said okay, hanging up after a couple minutes so I could get some sleep. I hadn't slept in two days, so I thought I should get a couple hours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sup Dan and Phil robotic snowmen? So anyway yeah, how are you doing? You have this one life and, to steal the quote from Dan, you need to do whatever you can to make it the best life ever. This is your one shot at existence, so fucking own it. You are the star of your own show- the god of your own universe- you control what happens. You don't get to choose if you get hurt in the world, but you do have a say in who hurts you. Anywho, I love you oh so much, thank you thank you thank you, and goodbye! ^-^


	10. Chapter Ten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes at the end of the chapter :) (Please read the authors note, as there is something in there about the next chapter, thank you so much, continue.)

I sat out on the curb outside my house waiting for Phil to pick me up. The grass was soft and covered in small spheres of dew, reflecting the light and creating a glittering scene. It was nice to look at, especially when dandelions took part in it, covered in due that reflected the soft yellows.

I jumped when I heard honking, turning around to see Phil laughing inside his car.

"That's not funny," I said when I got inside.

"Yeah, it was pretty funny," he said, leaning over to kiss me on the cheek. "How are you, love? Feeling better?"

"Yeah, a lot better," lied, remembering the makeup on my neck and face to hide the bruises.

"Good, because it's a special day today," Phil said. _Dang it._

"What's today?"

"Don't bullshit me, Dan. How long did you think you could go without telling me about your birthday?" _Dang it dang it dang it._

"Um-"

"Sandy told me, and I've got a special day planned." I smiled at the thought of someone actually doing something for me for my birthday. It'd been _years_ since I'd had a proper birthday, doing something other than watching anime with Sandy. _See, Phil isn't that bad._

"I'm taking you to the store with me to get it, because it won't give it away." I nodded. I was glad school was finally over so I could hang out with Phil and "study," and actually study. I got continuous questions from my teachers about where I was, just to tell them I was ill and brush it off.

"Are you going to go to university?" Phil asked out of nowhere.

"Um, I'm not really sure. I mean I've thought about it, of course, but I just don't think it's right for me." Phil nodded.

"I'll probably go to uni, I just don't know what use I'll get out of it."

"Why go if it won't be of value?"

"The experience. I'll learn some not-so-valuable knowledge while learning some real-world knowledge.

"Huh," I said. Phil was a fascinating being.

"Let's go!" Phil shouted at me as we walked up to the store. He was only a couple yards ahead of me, but he had a big grin on his face and looked like an excited child, so I couldn't help but laugh and run to catch up. He took my hand and we ran inside, almost getting hit by three cars and getting nasty looks from older women; we ignored them and kept smiling, walking through the store hand in hand.

"Okay, first we need oreos[/insert favourite cookie here]," Phil said as he took me down the aisles.

"Why oreos?"

"Because cakes are overrated. Every birthday has had some kind of dessert involving fluffy cake and sugary icing. Yours needs to be fun, different."

"You know, with the way you text I'm surprised you have any type of vocabulary or grammar at all," I joked. I laughed when Phil shot me a glaring look.

"I'll get you for that later, Howell."

"Will you? You're not intimidating at all," I challenged.

"Oh, yeah?" He questioned with a smirk and a raised brow. Before I knew it his arms were secured around my waist and he was peppering my face with kisses. The aisle was empty, which I was thankful for, as I was squealing like a little girl.

"Phil, Phil stop!" I squealed, squirming in his grasp.

"Say mercy!" He said, continuing to kiss me over and over. As i was about to say mercy, he kissed me hard, his lips on mine. His arms were steady on my waist, and mine moved up to his neck. Soon we were motionless, our lips pressed firmly against each other.

"I love you," Phil said when we pulled apart, his forehead on mine while he was grinning widely.

"I-I love you too," I said. I'd never said that to anyone, not when it counted or meant anything. He kissed me lightly once more before taking my hand and walking me down more of the aisles to get what we needed.

"Okay, oreos, milk, sprinkler head, water balloons, looks like we've got everything," Phil said once we got to the checkout. I was still curious what exactly he had planned- it seemed too obvious with the stuff he got, so I was thrown off.

"Phil, what are we going to with this?" I asked as we walked to the car.

"Don't make me keep telling you that _it is a surprise_ ," he threatened, kissing me quickly on the cheek before ushering me into the car.

"Now we've gotta get going right when we get to my house- and by we, I mean me." I gave him a look. "It is a _surprise,_ for god's sake. You are not aloud to see it until I permit you to."

"What if the house catches on fire, or a tornado hits?" I asked smartly.

"Don't be a smart ass," he retorted.

"Don't swear," I said.

"Touche."

"Hey, Phil?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks for doing something for my birthday. I know I don't know what it is yet, but, thank you," I said sheepishly.

"Why wouldn't I do something for you? Even if you did refuse to tell me about your birthday in the first place. You made your friend have to tell me." I hadn't told him about me and Sandy, hoping we would be back together by now. But we weren't, and I found me a bit more lonely than before.

"Um yeah. Uh, me and Sandy aren't really friends..."

"What? Why not? Why didn't you tell me?" _So many question._

"There was just a disagreement," I summed it up. "I'm sure we'll be back together soon." Phil nodded and reached over to take my hand. I blushed and smiled, enjoying the peaceful ride.

"Okay, so you go wait in my room, and I'll come get you when I'm done, okay?" I nodded and Phil kissed me on the cheek before ushering me into his room. His parents weren't home, which he said they never were because of his father's business. He wasn't sure what he did, as he never got to talk to his father, but he had a big business that was always needing him to go one trips and go to big important meetings. Phil's mom went to and left Phil, saying he was eighteen and able to take care of himself for a bit.

I'd shockingly never been in Phil's room, because whenever I came over we just sat on the couch and watched movies. There were crimson walls and a full size bed with a white duvet and crimson pillows in the far corner. At the corner on the other side there was a black desk with a white chair that was... shaped like a butt? I moved passed it, looking at was above the desk. Above old school papers and rejected drawings, were Polaroid pictures. They were amazing. Some were of scenery, others of people posing, and some of himself, in the moment and happy. They were indescribable. I didn't know he was a photographer...

I kept looking around; his room was pretty basic and empty,, having only the bed, desk, and a laundry hamper. But then I saw his walk-in closet (what??) and knew there must be something interesting in there. I knew I shouldn't be going through his stuff, but he locked me in here, so it's on him. I opened it to first see generic closet things- clothes on hangers, clothes on the floor, shoes, etc. But then I saw the corner- a fuzzy grey blanket that looked like it was hiding something. It was lumpy and the edge of it wasn't even touching the ground, so I knew he must have something under there. I picked up the blanket to see something I did not expect- a pile of stuffies. Like the kind little kids carry around and fall asleep with. There were about five lion ones, but then a bear, a monkey, a pig, and owl, and a big Totoro. _Oh my god. He so does not match his appearance._ The rest of the drawers in the closet were full of his drawings, amazing sketches of anime characters, real people posing for him, and myself. He was amazing.

"Okay, so I finished th- what the hell is that?" Phil walked in to see me sat criss-cross on his bed, holding two of his lion stuffies.

"You _really_ don't fit your appearance, do you?" I joked. He knew I was only playing, but he seemed almost angry.

"Dan what the fuck, you went through my stuff?" My face dropped.

"No, well I- I didn't go through everything, I just looked around," I said, sighing. He came over and sat next to me.

"Hey, it's okay, love, it's just a privacy thing. I haven't got anything to hide. Except maybe these," Phil said, taking the stuffies from me. I laughed.

"Okay, come on, your surprise is done," he said, standing up and taking my hands." I blushed and followed him to the back door, where he told me to close my eyes. I obliged, hearing him open the door, He put an arm around my waist and led me outside.

"Stay here," he said. I felt lost with my eyes closed and him gone, but soon heard a weird squeaking sound. I felt his arm back around my waist as he got close and said in my ear, "open." I opened my eyes to see the most childish but amazing thing ever- a homemade water park. Phil had dug out as old plastic slide he had as a kid and put a hose on it to make it a waterslide that led into a kiddy pool. There was a sprinkler and a bucket of water balloons, and despite it being the most kid-like thing I've ever seen, it was already the best birthday ever.

"Do you like it?"

"Like it? It's amazing," I said with a laugh,, turning around to hug him.

"I'm glad you do. Now come on, let's have fun!" he led me through it, starting at the slide. I got on top and he pushed me down, were I moved about a foot before splashing into the kiddy pool. Phil followed after, splashing in next to me. He went an even shorter distance, as he was four or five inches taller than me. We did that for almost ten minutes before Phil pulled me over the sprinkler. He took the bucket and put it near the middle and initiated a water balloon fight. Rules were that you have to stay under the sprinkler, and if you get hit three times you're out. We played three rounds, each lasting almost ten minutes. I won the first and Phil won the last two.

"I wouldn't even win on my birthday," I commented as Phil handed me a towel so I could dry off.

"Hey, you won me," he joked, kissing me sweetly.

"Yes, I did. Thank you," I said, kissing him on the cheek.

"Okay, I declare we change into some comfy clothes, get your last surprise, and sit down with a movie." He didn't form it as a question, but as a kind demand. I nodded, letting him take my hand and lead me inside. He gave me a pair of plaid pajama bottoms while he got some TMNT ones, both of us leaving on out shirts that we wore. I forgot about the makeup I put on my face and neck by that point, until Phil pointed it out, when it was too late.

"Um, Dan?" Phil said as I walked into his room after getting changed.

"What?"

"Wha-what's up with your neck, and face? Are- are those bruises?" _Dang it._ I must have washed off the makeup from the water and toweling off.

"Phil, it's, no, I-"

"You're saying they aren't bruises?" Phil sort of snapped.

"No, well, they are, bu-"

"From what, Dan? Why did you hide them? Because I'm sure as hell you didn't acquire them while you were in the bathroom," he said, taking a few steps closer to me.

"It's not a big deal, Phil,'

"Yes it is! I need to know how or why you're getting hurt! You are my boyfriend and I care about you! Why can't you fucking see that!" Phil shouted, stepping even closer. I bit my lip as I tried to hold back tears. _No, no no no, you can't cry. That's the one rule, you can't cry while you're being shouted at._

"I-th-they, I can't-"

"Got, Dan, can you stop stuttering! How the hell did you get those bruises? This is the third and final time I'm going to ask you!" A tear slipped through. I broke the one rule. By the time multiple tears had fallen and I hadn't spoken, Phil's face softened.

"Shit, babe, I'm sorry. I'm sorry," he said, pulling me into a loving hug. I shook my head.

"No, it's okay, it's okay-"

"No it's not, Dan. I'm so sorry, I love you so much. If I ever do that, just yell at me or slap me, okay?" I chuckled, knowing I wouldn't do it but nodding anyway.

"We're going to talk about those bruises at some point, okay? Maybe not today, or tomorrow, but you need to tell me about them, okay?" he said. I liked that he respected the fact that I didn't want to talk about it right now, but didn't like that I'd have to talk about it eventually. I just nodded and let him lead me to the kitchen, where he got out bowls, oreos, and milk.

"What are we doing with this?" I asked.

"Well, you know how amazing it is to dip cookies- especially oreos- in milk?" I nodded. "We're going to get a bowl for each of us and put some oreos in it," he said as he filled each bowl with about ten oreos. "Then, we're going to pour in the milk. And, voila!" he said, presenting me with a bowl of oreos. "Oh, I almost forgot," he said, darting to the other side of the kitchen. He returned with a dinosaur candle, laying it in my bowl and lighting it. He sang me happy birthday before kissing me on the forehead and saying "make a wish, love." I closed my eyes and blew it out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this is a rly long chapter but HEY, how are you doing?? I hope you had a safe and happy Thanksgiving if you celebrate it. BTW, if you've ever read the book Simon Vs. the Homo-Sapiens Agenda (if you haven't read it you should it's amazing and I love it) I stole the whole bowl-of-oreos-with-milk thing from that, even though no one cares and like everyone puts oreos with milk anyway but still, that's where I got it from. ANYWAY, I'm so sorry I keep rambling. I wanna hear about you, and how you're doing, what you like to do, anything. I really like whitening to people talk and just letting them go one about stuff, especially stuff they're into, so if you need someone for that, I'm open. Also, I'm going to start adding songs that I usually listen to while I'm writing at the top, so from now on there will be a song at the beginning of every chapter. 
> 
>  
> 
> For those of you who are only reading this for the thing about the next chapter, here you are. So the next chapter is just going to be entirely smut, but it's not going to be like important to the story line. So, if you don't like smut and sex and like that's not up your alley, don't worry, you can skip over it and all you'll be missing out on is some kind of awkward Dan's-first-time sex. 
> 
>  
> 
> (Little rant- I'm American and from fricken Michigan and I say soda and spell things favoUrite and coloUr. Wtf is wrong with me? Like why am I not American? I had a friend ask me once if I was actually from Michigan becasue I said soda and she thought I was fucking crazy. Anyway, sorry, thanks, continue.)
> 
> ANYWAY, I talk way too much so it's probably hard to believe that I listen, but I do. So I hope you're doing good, and that all is happy. Remember- breath in-2-3-4, out-2-3-4. Put yourself in your happy place, where everything is alright and happy. Talk yourself through it and you'll be okay, I know you will. Thank you so much and goodbye! ^-^


	11. Chapter Eleven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes at the end of the chapter :)  
> Hey so quick note this chapter in pure sinning smut, so if you're no into that you can skip this you won't be missing anything. For the rest of you I'm so sorry, I'm awful at smut but here you go. Enjoy your sinning.

**Hey so quick note this chapter in pure sinning smut, so if you're no into that you can skip this you won't be missing anything. For the rest of you I'm so sorry, I'm awful at smut but here you go. Enjoy your sinning.**

"Hey, Dan?" Phil said. The movie was over, the credits rolling. I was lying with my head in his lap, his hand running through my hair.

"Hm?"

"Should we get into bed?" I wasn't sure if he was meaning for us to go to bed or if something else was going to happen, so I just nodded. He took me to his room, which seemed different now. Before it just seemed like a simple room, but now it was uncomfortable. He closed the door, even though we were the only ones home, and sat me down on the bed. He straddled my lap and laid me down, kissing me sweetly. It was so much at once.

"Is this okay, love?" he asked. I wasn't sure why, but I nodded my head. He smiled and kissed me more passionately. His hand started moving up my shirt until he was having me sit up so he could remove it. He took off his own and I couldn't help but stare. He was pale but so beautiful, with a broad chest and strong biceps. He pushed me back down and kissed me again, passionate and hungry.

"Do you want to go all the way, love?" He didn't say "we don't have to," like I thought he would. I waited ten seconds to see if he would say it before nodding my head. He smirked and had me move so my head was on his pillows. As he grabbed lube and a condom from the side drawer I watched his firm chest and stomach. He spread my legs and sat in between them, and though it was supposed to be an amazing and loving time, I couldn't help but feel awkward and embarrassed; I had no clue what I was doing. I'd never read up about sex, much less done it. I've never even masturbated for god's sake, how was I supposed to do this? Nonetheless he ran his hand down my chest, tweaking each of middles before running his finger over my hole. He squirted lube onto his hand, warmed it up, and placed a finger at my entrance.

"Deep breaths, yeah?" I nodded before feeling him slip a finger in. I couldn't help but let out some kind of yelp. It hurt- a lot.

"You okay, love?" I nodded, even though I wasn't. He kept it still for a moment before slowly thrusting it. "You're so tight- have you ever fingered yourself?" _Do you bloody think I have?_

"N-no," I said, overtaken by pain and a slowly growing pleasure.

"This will be fun," he said with a subtle smirk. After about five minutes with one finger, he added a second. It didn't hurt quite as much, but it still hurt. He kept still before thrusting it. I was slowly falling into a deeper and deeper state of pleasure, until he had three fingers in me and I let out a loud moan.

"Found your spot," he said. Another five minutes went by before he removed his fingers, wiping the left over lube on his pants. He stood and and removed his pants and- _oh god. He's huge._ I had no one to compare him to, but he was huge. I was losing more and more faith that I could do this.

"You think you can take all of me, babe?" He smirked and straddled my chest, his dick dangerously close to my mouth. He slowly moved up and soon I was taking him in my mouth. Inch by inch he moved in, until I was almost gagging on him, though he still wasn't fully in. I tried moving my tongue around, which seemed to give him more pleasure. He groaned and ran his fingers through my hair, taking hold of it. I sucked for a few more minutes before he pulled away.

"You're so good, baby," he said, kissing me sweetly. "Now the real fun begins." He moved back between my legs, covering himself with a generous amount of lube. He moved closer until his tip was against my entrance. I squeezed my eyes shut. '

"Hey, shh, I need you to relax, okay? Is this still okay?" I tried to relax, nodding my head. He kissed me again and placed a hand on my chest as he very slowly moved in, centimeter by centimeter.

" _God, Phil,_ " I moaned, or at least I think I moaned.

"Shh, baby, it's okay. It'll start feeling good real soon," he said, continuing to work himself into me. "God, you're so god, baby. You look so pretty like this." The praise helped a bit, and soon he bottomed out, taking a minute to let me adjust. I nodded and he pulled back out, slowly started to get a slow rhythm going. I was moaning more as the pain subsided, causing Phil to gradually speed up his thrusts.

"Oh, f-god, there!" I cried out, gripping the bed sheets. Phil smirked and quickened his pace, almost slamming into me. I moved as he did, the headboard beginning to hit the wall. I was crying out, whether from pain or pleasure I wasn't sure.

"God, you're so fucking good, baby. You look so good around my cock. Are you going to cum? I wanna see you cum untouched, baby." I was moaning louder and louder, until I felt a tightening in my gut. I'd never felt it before, but soon I saw white and was cumming hard over mine and Phil's stomach.

"Oh, fuck, you're so good baby. I love you so much." He continued to thrust until he came in the condom, pulling out and causing me to wince. After a moment he got some tissues and cleaned me up, climbing into bed with me.

"You were so good, baby," he said as he wrapped his arms around me. I only nodded and let him hold me close, trying to replay what just happened. _I just had sex._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I got like a surprise birthday present today (my birthday isn't for a week) and like I didn't know what we were doing, and I ended up getting another piercing ^-^ I love it so much, I got my daith pierced. I guess that kind of piercing is supposed to help with anxiety and stuff? which I have a lot of problems with anxiety so I thought, hey, it looks pretty sweet anyway, so why not give it a shot. Let's see how that goes. 
> 
> Anyway, not much to say, other than I hope you are doing well. It's okay to be down sometimes, but the key to being down is learning how to pick yourself back up. Life isn't permanently up or down- it's a roller coaster with many twists and turns, but every bit of it is an important part of the ride. Everything happens for a reason, and though sometimes we don't know that reason, we need to accept the fact the we might never know. I hope you're well, thank you so much, and goodbye! ^-^


	12. Chapter Twelve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes at the end of the chapter :)

I woke up to find myself naked, in bed with Phil. His arms were around me and my face was nuzzled into his neck. _What am I doing?_ His embrace felt warm but foreign. I'd never felt so loved or cared for, and it was weird. I tried to shift my body a bit to keep my limbs from falling asleep, but of course managed to wake Phil in the process.

"Mm, goodmorning, love," Phil said, reaching his arms up and stretching.

"Oh, h-hi," I said, feeling really awkward.

"How do you feel?" I wasn't sure if he meant generally, or because of our sexual activity.

"Um, I'm okay."

"Good," he said, rolling over to embrace me again, kissing me multiple times on the cheek, forehead, and nose. I smiled, feeling a bit better with the playful and loving act. "So, what should we do today, babe?"

"Um ,actually, w-were you going to help me out with the work I missed?"

"Oh, yeah sure," he said. He said it happily, and I knew he thought it sounded as boring as it would be. _"Hey, spouse, do you know what would be a great, time-consuming activity that we'll love? Studying." Yeah, I don't think so._ We got out of bed and I put on my boxers, a t-shirt, and the pajama bottoms Phil gave me, while Phil only put on pajama bottoms.

"Come on, let's get some breakfast, and then I'll help you out," phil said, kissing me on the cheek before leaving the room. I stood there for a minute. _What have I gotten myself into._ We sat eating bowls of cereal in silence, and I couldn't get my mind off of what happened. I had had _sex,_ with _Phil Lester._ The same guy Sandy repeatedly told me not to get involved with. God. I couldn't even think about if I liked it anymore. Too consumed with my thoughts, I abandoned my cereal and excused myself to the bathroom, where I texted Sandy.

 _Me: Hey. I'm so sorry. I need you._ It sounded selfish, but it was the truth.

"Okay, so what you've gotta do is add this angle to this angle so that they form a line," Phil tried to explain.

"But how, they aren't adjacent?" I sucked at maths- like, _really_ sucked.

"The don't have ot be adjacent to form a line. Like how these two ninety degree angles are on opposite corners but they still for a like with 180 degrees." I nodded, acting like I had a clue what he was talking about. I had a D+ in maths and I knew it wasn't going to go up anytime soon; especially not with Phil's abre chest near me while I'm trying to work, and his hand on my lower back.

"Okay, so now that you've got that," _no I don't,_ "what else do you need help with?"

"Um, I guess that's it. I can catch up in economics and physiology. Thanks," I said, testing the waters by kissing him on the cheek. He smirked before kissing me on the lips, slipping his tongue in. All of this affection was so new and weird to me, and I wasn't sure what to do. God, we had sex and I still didn't know what to do. What is wrong with me?

"Is something wrong, love?" Phil asked, his hand at the back of my neck playing with my hair.

"Oh-uh, no, I'm fine. Feeling a little under the weather, I guess."

"You should get some rest love, seeing as you didn't get much last night," he said with a wink. I chuckled and agreed, soon getting myself ready to go. It wasn't that I didn't like Phil- I loved him, he was amazing. It was just that the whole experience was so new and a little too much. Phil was my first boyfriend, first kiss, and first time. It was a lot all at once.

"I love you, Dan. Stay safe, please" Phil said before I left, kissing me on the cheek.

"I-I love you too," I said, slipping out the door. The air was humid and ground wet. _I didn't hear it rain..._ I didn't want to go home to my parents to hear them bickering about my whereabouts and how lazy I was, so I went to the park near my house. It was kind of old and there weren't a lot of kids that went there. With all the electronics kids got at a young and the lessening desire to go outside, not many kids found it appealing to go to the playground. Any kids that were there were below five or teenagers above fifteen, like me. There currently wasn't anyone there, it being about eleven o'clock. This was usually the time for lunch or naps for the little kids, and a lot of teenagers weren't even awake.

I sat down on one of the holed benches that were typically in parks, putting my head in my hands. _God, what am I doing? I had sex. I had sex with the same guy I had my first kiss with, who is my first boyfriend. And I had sex. Did I even like it? I think I did..._ My mind was running so fast I didn't notice the tap on my knee until a little voice spoke.

"Hello?" I looked up to see a little boy, probably about six, standing in front of me. He had cute blond hair and pinchable cheeks with freckles on them. His eyes reminded me of Phil"s.

"Hi," I said.

"Are you sad?" _What?_

"What?"

"You look sad. Are you sad?"

"Um, I guess I'm a little sad," I said. _Who is this kid?_

"Why?"

"Um, I did something, that, I maybe shouldn't have done," I said, trying to figure out how to less explicitly tell a six year old I had sex.

"Why did you do it?" _Why did this kid care? What is he getting at?_

"Um because at the moment I thought it would be okay."

"Why don't you fix it?" _Why did he make it seem like this was so easy?_

"Because it's not that easy to fix," I said.

"Oh." He seemed to have lost hope.

"But it's okay. I'll get it sorted out. You don't need to worry," I said, holding out my hand for a fist bump. He smiled and hit his fist on mine.

"You're nice," he said.

"Thank you. You are too." He smiled and waved before running off to play on the playground. I usually didn't like talking to kids, as they usually looked at me oddly and I never knew what to say; but this kid was an exception. _Why did this kid seem to make everything so easy?_ I took out my phone.

_Me: Phil?_

_Phil <3: yes love?_

_Me: I know I probably shouldn't be asking thins via text, but, what did you think of last night?_ I bit my lip and hesitated before pressing send.

_Phil <3: I told you i thought it was amazing_

_Phil <3: you were beautiful and you did so well and i couldn't have asked for anything better_

_Phil <3: why do you ask?_

_Me: I don't konw, I guess I was just wondering..._

_Phil <3: what did you think of it?_

_Me: It was good, and you're amazing_

_Me: I just, I don't know..._

_Phil <3: is something wrong Dan?_

_Me: At the time it seemed right, and I really wanted it, and I don't regret it, but, I don't know if I was ready..._

_Phil <3: I didn't push you did i? I couldnt forgive myself if i forced you into it_

_Me: No! You didn't push me, I wanted it. It's just... Idk. Can we talk about htis in person, some other time?_

_Phil <3: of course whenever you want_

_Me: Thanks. I love you <3_

_Phil <3: love you more <3_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heeeeyo, how are you, you fine specimen of life? I hope it's all going good. I really haven't got anything interesting to say. I've started drivers training and I'm literally scared that I'm gonna have a panic attack in the car, so, I mean that's interesting? Anyway, I just hope you're doing okay and that everything falls into place for you. Deep breaths and happy thought, and just put yourself in a good enough state to get through it. Nothing, and I mean nothing is more important than you. If you are not in the right state of mind, you need to do everything you can do to get yourself comfortable with yourself before you try to get comfortable with the world around you. You are your number one priority, and no, that is not selfish. That is self-care and self-love, which is a good and important thing to have. Just hang in there, and I promise everything will fall into place. Thanks and goodbye! ^-^


	13. Chapter Thirteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes at the end of the chapter :)

I smiled down at my phone. _See, Phil isn't a bad guy. He's amazing._ I decided to head home when I'd been there for almost five hours and it was about four in the afternoon, knowing I would get bitched out by my parents. I got home it something unusual- the front door open. For a moment I wondered if someone had broken in, but I knew I would have heard something. I was about to enter when I heard yelling- of course.

"You're good for nothing! You hear me, Marie? Good for nothing! You can't do fucking anything right!"

"At least I don't sit on my ass all day drinking beer like you do! You don't do shit around this goddamn house! Pick your ass up and help out for once! I won't be surprised if your faggot son turned out just like yo-" _wham._ I heard the harsh slap of skin meeting skin, and my mom cry out in shock. It was then that I retreated from the door slowly, until I was running down the road to Phil's home. Knowing his mom was kind and would let me in, I knocked on the door and waited for her to answer.

"Oh, hello, Dan! Pleasure seeing you," she remarked.

"Oh, um, you too. I- I was wondering if I could go see Phil?" I asked.

"Oh, of course, dear. He's up in his room, just go ahead in," she said. I thanked her and made my way to his room. The door was closed, but not locked, so I did as his mom said and went right in. That was my mistake. I expected to see him laying in bed on his laptop or doing homework or something. What I didn't expect to see was him on top of my best friend. It was clear as day- Sandy's brown and purple curls splayed out on the bed with her legs spread wide as Phil had one hand by her head and the other on her hip as he drove into her, cursing and grunting profanities.

"Fuck, you're so good, baby. Taking my cock like a fucking whore."

"Fuck, daddy, I'm gonna cum!"

"Ssh, baby, hold on for daddy," he grunted, pounding into her until she was screaming, his hand covering her mouth. He grunted through his orgasm until he finished, falling down beside her. It was then that they finally opened their eyes and saw me, my hand on the door handle, mouth open, and tears pooling in my eyes.

"Dan," Phil said, not seeming to feel bad at all. There wasn't a hint of regret in his voice. I didn't speak, for I couldn't. I just shut the door and ran down the stairs and out the door, ignoring his mother. I ran and ran, tears falling from my eyes, to my house. The door was still open, but it was quiet- that was until I walked in.

"Where the fuck have you been!" My mother shouted.

"Are you fucking crying? What the hell happened to you, faggot? Boyfriend break up with you?" They didn't laugh, nor take it back. Their words were meaningless and empty, making it hurt more. I heaved and the tears flowed more as they kept yelling at me. I couldn't take it. I was slowly falling apart. It got worse when I heard a knock at the door. I knew who it was, but I wasn't going to let either of my parents answer it. They dismissed their yelling and turned away from me while I answered the door. Sure enough, it was Phil. Only Phil.

"Dan, I- are you crying." _Of course I'm fucking crying,_ I said in my head, dismissing myself this once for swearing. I didn't say anything.

"Listen, I'm-"

"Sorry?" I choked out. "Are you sorry?" He nodded his head in shame, shoving his hands in his pockets. No matter how much shame was steaming off of him, there wasn't a hint of regret.

"Yeah. Listen, I know it was a mistake, but come on, I-"

"No." I said. "No. I don't want to play your damn games. I'm fucking done trying to be sure if you love me, because it's obvious you don't," I said through choked sobs. He tried to respond, but I shut the door in his face and tan up the stairs to my room.

_Sandy:): Hey, babe_

_Sandy:): Listen, I really am sorry. I know this is fucked up, but you've gotta let me explain_

_Sandy:): Phil brought up how you weren't sure if you were ready for sex, and he said he understood that, but he still wanted to be, you know, "pleasured." I joked and said I could help him out, and, well, he took it serious. We talked about it, and he said he felt bad about cheating on you, but that it's just meaningless sex. We were just helping each other out and it didn't mean anything._

_Sandy:): I know that's no excuse, but it's the truth._

_Sandy:): Pleeeease, Dan. You've gotta say something._

_Sandy x_x: Just message me when you're ready to stop acting like a child and talk about this._

 

* * *

 

 

_Phil x_x: Dan?_

_Phil x_x: please babe lets talk about this._

_Phil x_x: come on Dan you cant stay away from me forever_

_Phil x_x: are you alright? you havent been to school in four days_

_Phil x_x: im worried Dan_

_Phil x_x: if you dont message me and let me know youre alright im going to come over ot your house and make sure youre doing ok_

_Me: Fuck off, Lester._

_Phil x_x: come on Dan youve gotta let me explain this_

_Phil x_x: I know Sandy already explained it but you need ot know that it meant absolutely nothing_

_Phil x_x: we were just helping each other out. she broke up with her boyfriend and you arent ready for sex so we just wanted to help each other get what we couldnt get from anyone else_

_Phil x_x: I know that sounds really shitty but its the truth, and you deserve that much_

_Phil x_x: Please Dan?_

_Me: I said FUCK OFF, Lester._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heeeellooooo! 1) Shit is going down. 2) The story is almost over. DUN DUN DUN. I was having a really shitty day, but I binge watched some Dan and Phil just felt a lot more calm and okay. Any time I feel down, I turn on something that will calm me down and help me relax. And I hope you kind find something like that- something that, no matter how bad you feel, or how shit the day was, you can look at something or watch something or do something and it will make you feel better. Deep breaths and happy thoughts; everything will be okay, I promise. Thanks and goodbye! ^-^


	14. Chapter Fourteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes at the end of the chapter :)

Almost two weeks later and the final week before winter break I mustered up the courage to go to school. Was courage the right word? Courage is defined by "the ability to do something that frightens one." I wasn't afraid of going back to school. I was procrastinating my right to join in a building where I could be in the same room as my ex and the girl he cheated on me with. It wasn't courage to go back. It was facing the fact that I would never erase his face from my memory, especially the one I saw when he was on top of my friend. It was facing the fact that the problem wasn't going to get solved, and then trying to say that there wasn't one, and that it had been solved when I told the guy I thought I loved to fuck off.

Clad in my usual all black attire, I walked to school with an invisible black cloud above my head. I knew no one would care about my disappearance- not even my teachers. No one would ask where I had been, or if I had actually ODed, or ask to prove any of the other rumors that went around to be true. Where there even any rumors? I was so low profile that I doubt anyone even started a rumor.

I walked up to the gates of hell just as the bell rang. _Great way to come back,_ I thought. _Might as well make an entrance._ I wasn't one to ever throw myself out there, or to be spontaneous, or do anything just for the hell of it. But today, I couldn't help myself. I was in that stage of breakup depression where I just didn't give a shit. Nothing was worth anything and I had nothing to lose anymore. I slammed my locker open and closed, making a statement with my squeaky wet shoes as I walked down the hall. Knowing the door of my first period didn't lock, I threw it open when I walked in. I wasn't aiming for it to bang against the wall or fly off the hinges, but I managed to have it thump against the wall and stop the teacher mid-sentence.

"Well, hello Mr. Howell. Care to join us?" The teacher said in a sarcastically sassy voice. I shrugged and made my way to my seat in the back. I didn't listen to a word she said, instead going through my photos of Phil and I. It was like a typical movie breakup, where I was the heartbroken girl that spent all her time with her lost lover on her mind. The bell rang and I walked at a leisurely pace to my next hour. It wasn't until third period that the day took a turn. I walked into the class to see, of course, Phil sat right in the middle of the room. He saw me and had a shocked look for a moment, but son exchanged it for a soft smile. I rolled my eyes and shook my head as I walked passed him at the back of the room, where I could watch him and see if he tried to watch me. I felt my phone buzz and the way Phil turned his head only slightly to see me told me it was him that sent the text. My phone buzzed three more times before I looked at it out of anger and annoyance.

_Phil x_x: Hey_

_Phil x_x: Dan please_

_Phil x_x: im beyond sorry just please talk to me_

_Phil x_x: babe im so fucking sorry can you please just say something?_

_Me: I told you to FUCK OFF, Phil. Don't make me have to fucking say it again._

The way he looked back and his kind eyes met my teary-eyes once told me he was definitely shocked I was swearing at such an extent. But like I said, I lost all caring. I haven't got shit to lose. When the bell rang for lunch I walk out, seemingly to get food, but only to leave for the day. And the rest of the week. I didn't want to see his crystal ocean eyes, or his reflectively pale skin, or... anything. I didn't want to see him. But it seemed no matter how much I tried to tell myself that, I knew I did. I knew I wanted to see him, and let him try to apologise, and make it all better again. But I also knew that if I did that, it gave him permission to do it again. It told him it was okay and that I would forgive him every time, making it okay for him. And I wasn't going to do that.

I continued to ignore message after message from Phil and Sandy. It got too annoying to hear my phone buzzing at late hours and throughout the day that I turned off the notifications for both of their contacts. I didn't care what they had to say anymore. I didn't care what they thought of me ignoring them. Or how they were doing without me. I didn't care anymore. 

Christmas break finally came, which meant traveling north to visit my father's mom, who was my grandma. She was sweet and against my father's drinking, which meant he had to start sobering up three days before the visit. This meant three weeks of on and off drinking, trying to sober up ahead of time. Finally alcohol free, my father grumbled as we loaded up all of our bags and got in the car. It was five a.m. and we would be driving for six hours, so I found myself curled up and trying to sleep.

I woke up almost two hours later to my parents yelling at each other.

"Get your fat ass away from my goddamn whiskey, old man. You've gotta stay sober for your poor old mother, even though you know she's given up on you. Come on, you're fat, have got a faggot son, do nothing but sit on your ass all da-"

"Hey! Shut the fuck up, yeah! It's your goddamn fault we have to see her in the first place. You're the one that charmed her into it, so don't fucking blame it on my ass. And this faggot son sure as hell ain't all my doin'. You're the one that squeezed him out of your old vagina, an-" _Wham._ And just like that, everything was gone.

 

 

I got a phone call from an unknown number. I usually didn't pick up unknown numbers, but I was bored and thought I might was well. Right choice.

"Is this Phil Lester?" a kind female voice spoke, thought she seemed worried.

"Um, yes. Who is this?"

"This is the London ER. You know Daniel Howell?" _No. What did you do, Dan. Please don't tell me she's going to say what I think._

"Um, yes, is he alright?" I asked, growing more worried. There was silence for a moment, which was only a bad sign.

"I- I'm so sorry, but, your friend has passed. He was involved in a very bad accident, an-" I hung up. _No. No no no no no! I could've done something. I could've helped him. And maybe I couldn't have but, at least I could have known him in that time. I could have wordlessly assured him it would be okay, though neither of us had a clue it would happen. I could've helped, I know it._ I fell to the floor, stumbling a bit, until I was a mess of ears. Choked sobs and broken breaths fill my room.

"He's gone! He's gone, and it's my fault!" A small part of me knew I wouldn't have done anything to stop the crash. But the other part knows that if I hadn't done what I did, I could have changed something, _anything._ Even if it wouldn't have saved him, it would have saved my sanity.

I attended his funeral three days later, though there wasn't a body to look at, which made it worse. It made it seem too much more real. It was like spelling it out all to clearly that he was gone, and he wasn't coming back. I fought tears as relatives spoke about him, though none of them could do justice.

"Dan was a kind young boy..." really? That's all you've got to say? Dan was the most intelligent, funny, warm-hearted person you would ever meet. "His eyes were always so full of hope..." No. His eyes were a gorgeous chestnut shade with specks of yellow that made them pop and shine. I loved him, so goddamn much. But I couldn't show it the way I was meant to. I fucked it all up. I tried to focus on the words of his relatives, but the tears were falling and I had to excuse myself. I sat in the hall with my head in my hands, crying my heart out.

"I love you so much, Dan," I whispered. "And that's the truth. You deserve that much." Dan had played the Game of Life, and unfortunately, his turn ended too soon. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyo! Fuck so that was the final chapter. 1) thank you so so much for reading <3 2) I hope I greatly infuriated you with that sad ending :) I'm kidding, but I do hope that you enjoyed it. One of my main goals when writing is to somehow bring joy to others. I love helping people and making them happy, so if I do something like that, that's enough for me :) Please give me any kind of feedback, as I love any kind of criticism that will help to improve my writing. ANYWAY thank you so so much for reading, I really hope you enjoyed it. I love you, thank you so much, and goodbye!


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